by Tigerlily

My tour began on Friday 3rd, when I jumped on a train, then on a car and finally on a plane to go to Dublin, Ireland. Arrival at 23.45, local time. 7 hours from my home to my destination…
But I don’t regret it…

The Point Theatre, Dublin, Saturday 4th.
Since a show (not by the boys) in Paris in February 2002 or 2003, I’m not keen anymore on waiting for I don’t know many hours outside in the cold. Especially when it’s still easy to make it to the front…
This Saturday, I missed half of the Ark’s set and I have yet to decide if I have to regret it… I didn’t find the second part of their set outstanding. And I vaguely remember Juliette Lewis and The Licks from that night…
Even by being that late, I still managed to make it to the 2nd row, center. I had to fight a little, but nothing too terrible…

Shortly after setting myself in my spot, a video compiling extracts from Darkness videos on “You shook me all night long” by AC/DC announces that the boys will soon hit the stage.
The venue goes dark, and Arrival by Abba confirms that the moment we’ve been waiting for a so long time is finally here.
Ed is the first to take place and begins immediately to beat his drums on Knockers’ rhythm. He is shortly followed by Richie and Dan, who both appear at the feet of the biggest horns.
Justin… Justin appears on the left side of the stage, flying in a pair of giant boobies. With flashing nipples! For those who doubted that the band would be able to top up their last tour, there isn’t any doubt left now… They’re going to show us that they’re back. For the best!
And I have to admit that seeing this pair of giant knockers over our heads is probably a thing that I’ll remember for a very long time…

One Way Ticket is the first song that really takes the crowd, shortly followed by the Darkness’s next single Is it Just Me? The crowd is alive and begins to push hard in my back, reminding me that I’m definitely not made for mosh pits.
Anyway, the band is great and mixes old and new songs. Growing On Me, Black Shuck, Love On The Rocks, Love Is Only A Feeling, Givin’ Up, I Believe In A Thing Called Love, Get Your Hands Off, Girlfriend, Seemed Like A Good Idea, Hazel Eyes, Dinner Lady Arms, English Country Garden, Bald, Blind Man. All the main songs are here. But no b-sides. At all…
By the time the boys set up for SLAGI, dizziness has taken over me and a nice security guy lifts me out of the crowd, maybe allowing Dan to see more of my ass (hidden behind fantastic stripey black and pink thights) that I ever wanted him to see… That’s the moment I want to “thank” the charming blond lady beside me who refused to call the security when I asked her to and said to me “I don’t believe you”. I truly hope this will never happen to her…
That’s on the far right of the stage that I finish to watch the show, mainly on the screen. That’s the first time that I think that I would love to see a dvd of that tour…
The show ends on an incredibly good and loud version of Bald. As soon as they left the stage, the lights are turned on and the familiar tune of “I’ve Had The Time Of My Life” blows up the speakers… It’s time to leave the venue, with a little pinch in the heart, even if I know that I’m going to see them again very soon…
My best friend, who was there for his first Darkness show says to me that it’s been one of his favourite show. EVER. And we’ve both seen quite a few big bands!

30 minutes of walk to my friends place (Dublin is really a small city), debriefing with a few friends, transfer of photos from camera to iPod… And it’s time to go to bed, I’m leaving for London in a few hours…
I check-in at 8.30 at the international airport of Dublin, where I’m soon joined by one of my touring friends. We both chat about the show, comparing our impressions. Our flight is delayed by 45 min, and as soon as the plane takes off we both pass out and wake up only to see our plane doing rounds over Heathrow. We finally land and it’s with a kind of relief that we see our friend arrive to pick us up. Before leaving Heathrow, we manage to buy the last issue of Total Guitar in which our boys are pictured. Eye candies. But we’re too tired to read the article anyway!
A few hours later, I finally settle in a charming house in Kent, where I’m going to spend the next few hours. At this moment, I think I can’t be more tired. The future is going to prove me that I’m wrong.

On Monday 6th, we head to Heathrow to pick up another friend arriving from abroad. We go directly to Ally Pally to check out the venue. It’s just too weird! The building looks like everything but a rock venue! In the greyness of London, it looks odd, even a bit scary. And I have difficulties to imagine that tomorrow, this place will be illuminated by The Darkness’s magic.

Alexandra Palace, London, February 7th.
And finally, the first London’s show arrives. Our cab picks us up at 5pm and drives us directly at the feet of Ally Pally. But it’s still too early for us to queue. And it’s bitterly cold outside. So, a stop by the pub is required. We finally join the queue just a few minutes before the doors open. And we go directly to Richie’s side of the stage, 2nd row.
The Ark enter the stage. And I find them even more boring than in Dublin. I don’t know. They were like… not here. I know there are plenty of fans of them around, but I’m sorry, I still can’t understand what people find to them. Finally, their last song, and the only “good” one (to me, once again): One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young. And because I’m a good girl and I know how difficult it is for a band to play and be great when the crowd doesn’t react, I sing. Yes, I sing on this song with them, when the singer ask us to sing. I’m that good.
Time for Juliette And The Licks. I love Juliette’s presence on stage. You might not like her music. But you can’t deny that she gives 200% of her when she’s here. I love her attitude. If you like Avril Lavigne, she’s definitely not for you! Since I didn’t pay attention to this band in Dublin, that’s like my first time, this night in Ally Pally. And I admit without any shame that I had much more fun with them than with the Ark.
But it’s time for the openers to go back in the backstage areas. Roadies empty the stage and set up the boys’s gear. Test everything. While they try to keep us occupied with videos on the huge screens on the sides of the stage. A-ha, Robert Palmer, Huey Lewis (for the song from Back To The Future), Aerosmith, Kiss, Led Zeppelin etc… and… Green Day. Odd! Finally the mini video with them arriving by helicopter. We’ll learn later that day (or the day after?) that they taped this part a few weeks earlier in Sweden. A couple of videos, and the medley is on again, on AC/DC’s song. At this moment, I think that after 4 nights, I might get bored of all those videos…
Anyway, the venue goes dark and Abba’s song blows in the speakers. I still can’t believe that people thought that was the pan pipes from the album. No, Abba. 70’s cheesy band. That my parents loved.
A little light behind the drums announced us that someone is showing his way to Ed. Seconds later, he begins to beat Knockers’s rhythm. I’m as excited as 3 nights before. No. I’m MORE excited that 3 nights before. I keep telling to my friend to look on the left of the stage, where Justin is going to appear in his boobies chariot.
Richie enters the stage, still at the foot of the right big horn. My heart jumps when he begins to play the bass line. He’s shortly followed by Dan who appears at the foot of the left big horn. It gives me shivers when he throws the riff. And Justin…
Justin. He’s flying in his boobs over our head and I can feel that the mood isn’t here. There’s something wrong. I can feel it. I don’t know what it is and I will never know. That’s maybe the fact that from where he is, he can see that the venue is far from being sold out. I don’t know. Anyway, I raise my eyebrow and hope that I’m wrong.
One Way Ticket, Is It Just Me, Growing On Me… The show is there. And the show is good. But not as good as expected. I’m shocked when I see Justin being lost in the setlist. It takes him foverer to figure which song they’re supposed to play. I’m confused. He finally finds what he was searching for. And the show continues. I don’t like his jokes about his belly. He isn’t fat. He’s put on weigh, none of us is going to say the contrary. But he’s NOT fat. He’s even far from that. And that’s nothing than a tour could “arrange”, anyway. But he seems so self-conscious that he makes me feel uncomfortable and sad for him…
From where I am, I can see Richie trying to relax his erm… left? wrist. He is all smile and happy and obviously enjoying the show, but he seems a bit uncomfortable with his wrist. My advice: before the show, put away all gentleman’s reading material, ok?
I can’t see Dan or Ed from where I am. Not that I wouldn’t like. But there is a giant young man on my right that blocks my view for the left side of the stage. Which annoys me terribly. I only see Dan when he switches his side with Richie, which happens ONCE during the show. And Ed… Well, he’s as usual hidden by his drums, and being the short woman that I am, I CAN’T see him. But I can hear them, that’s the most important thing, isn’t it?
I Believe In A Thing Called Love is the last song before the encore. A few minutes later, they come back on stage. And Justin begins to play on the giant organ a classical and ultra known theme that I can’t remember the name right now. The Walkiries by Wagner? Well, something like that… Shortly followed by English Country Garden. It’s a bit odd to have him up there, back to the audience, playing and singing. The organ is a great idea, décor wise, but I don’t know, it’s a bit weird when it comes to actually use it. We can see smoke going out of the pipes when he plays. That’s funny.
They finish the show with Bald. I’m completely blinded by the fireworks. Justin finishes the show as he began it. Flying over the crowd (but without the boobs). It’s funny to see him soloing upside down. He’s great! But it’s a bit tough to look at him flying in the air, while the others are still on the stage. Maybe they could all fly over the crowd, next time?
The show is finally over. It was great but… I don’t know… Something was lacking that night and I’m not sure what it was.
We slowly go out of the venue, to discover the weather has turned rainy. Cold and rainy. We’re a bit lost, none of us really knows what to do next. And we’re standing under the rain for a few (long) minutes… Finally to decide to go back to our hotel. We could have waited for a bus, but we decided to go down the hill, walking, under the rain. In the cold.

Finally, minutes later, we settle in our room. We’re 4 to stay here that night. 4 girls. If you have difficulties to figure what “fangirling” means, try to imagine 4 girls in the same room after a show talking and talking forever of THIS show, each of them with the tour programme on their knees, screaming when they look at the photos / read the text about their “favourites”. Because the “worse” thing of that night at the hotel, where 4 of us were staying, is that each one of us actually “fancies” a different member of this band. We had in the room a Justin, a Dan, a Ed and a Richie. Weird! But funny! (And I can tell you that Ed and Dan slept in the same bed that night)
We finally went to bed and I thought I was going crazy when an alarm clock went on a few hours later. I had the feeling that I had sleep for only a few minutes. Anyway, 2 of us left the room early to queue for the 2nd Ally Pally show while the 2 others stayed in bed. Guess what I did?…

So, a few hours later, we finally took the direction of Ally Pally. At 5pm. With a cab driving us here. Yes, because walking down the hill is cool, even under the rain, but walking it up is not cool. At all…

Alexandra Palace, London, February 8th.
For that night, the international crew (composed by me, the French one, an American girl and a Finnish girl) doesn’t have any ticket. Well, I HAD one, that ticketmaster never sent to me. Well, they sent it to me, but way too late. I’ll discover later that I received it, in France, on the 9th….
Anyway, as none of us as a ticket, we decide to queue earlier than the day before, to be there at the opening of the doors and of the box office (which is INSIDE the venue…). A little more than 1 hour in the cold. Very long. And when the doors open, we think that we’re saved.
In fact, we aren’t. The box office hasn’t opened yet, and the security asks us to wait on the side, until it opens. And we see all the people who arrived after us enter the venue. Really annoying. And when we’re finally let in, I’m completely pissed off at the venue, the organizers, ticketmaster and basically the entire world.
We get our tickets and walk quickly to our favourite spot. The right side of the stage. But so many people have entered before us, we’re on the 3rd row, behind some kind of a hairy giant. Not fun. By the time The Ark begin their show, we’re already on the second row. There are some nice people in this world.
The Ark. They are so MUCH better. Probably because there is a bunch of Ark fans here tonight. I can see them jump and sing and everything. They’re much more enjoyable than the shows before. And the singer finally discovers our side of the stage. After 3 shows…
The audience is all bouncy and the time flees quickly. It’s already the time for One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young. All the crowd sings. That’s great.
Juliette And The Licks. Same as usual. I have the weird feeling that she recognizes me. I enjoy their act, but I’m incredibly impatient for the boys to take the stage. Even more impatient that the nights before. This is really weird. You could think that after a few nights, you’d be jaded and bored. Not at all!
The videos put me at the agony. And I’m about to punch a guy behind me when he says “oh, they’re coming” when the video with the helicopter is played. No, they’re not. We still have to wait for another couple of videos.
When Abba is finally played. I can feel all the adrenaline runs through my body. I’m tensed, eager to see them, ready to rock.
And they’re finally here, with the same routine. Ed, then Richie, then Dan and finally Justin in his knockers chariot. As soon as he begins to sing, I can feel the night is going to be different. He seems in a good mood. In an excellent mood. That’s good, because we all have decided to have a blast tonight.
And the show is crazy. At least for us. The international crew. We had created the crappiest banners ever (we made them 30 minutes before leaving our hotel, no time to be really crafty). But they seem to enjoy them. They make them laugh. That’s the most important thing to us.
I don’t know how many picks are sent in our direction that night, but that is surely an impressive number. None of us is able to catch one, which annoys us deeply.
Not only the mood on the stage is excellent, but the crowd is also reacting to the show. Singing, jumping, dancing. Alive. The band encourages us. Richie makes us clap in our hands for every song. And after 4 or 5 songs, my hands already hurt so much that I have to blow on them to calm the pain. They keep us going, and I eventually forget the pain in my hands, in my throat (for too much screaming) and the bag between my thighs that prevents me to go with the crowd as I want.
And the show is different. For me, this is probably one of my best Darkness’s shows. They were great and that’s how I love them. Rocking furiously, but also funny and cute. Yes, that night they were utterly cute.
And when the last notes of Bald are heard, a part of me cries. This was too good and it can’t be over now. The next few minutes are like a blur for me. All I remember is Richie on his knees trying to catch his very first (I think) stage gift. A big thank you to Ricky the security guy for his help. That was really nice. And I hope our lovely bassist enjoyed his present…
At the end of the show, we are more or less pushed outside by the security, because the roadies are already disassembling the stage and the barrier. We just have time to see big blue eyes Sue W. and a charming little strawberry blonde guy. Well, we saw him the night before too, as he spent the beginning of the show at our feet, kind-of. Absolutely charming. A real cutie!
We waited outside for a few minutes. Lost. We finally went back to our hotel. Only 2 of us were staying here that night, but it was as crazy as the night before with the 2 of us chatting endlessly until we realised it was 4.30 and we were supposed to wake up 5 hours later.

That’s on Thursday, on our “day off” that I realised that we were on tour, while we were waiting for “our” car in the lobby, completely exhausted. And the drive “home”, even with 2 of my best friends in the car, was really really long… None of our chats, jokes and whatever were able to make me forget how tired I was. How broken I felt. But being on tour means also that you’re with your friends, having the time of your life. So, even if you’re tired and the only thing you want is to hide under blankets for then next 24h, you keep going, and chat and laugh and enjoy every seconds of your time.
After watching recorded tv shows and videos, I finally went to bed. Before midnight!! Woohoo! To wake up 2 hours later, having nightmares and hallucinations. Fever. Sickness. Pains in the whole body. A tour is also that. You’re so tired, you’re fragile and catch whichever bugs that were around at that time. The funny thing is that when I went downstairs to find something to calm my fever, Is It Just Me? was on TV. And I wondered for a few seconds if I weren’t hallucinating. I only remember the bum wiggling part of the video!

I woke up 7 hours later, feeling poorly and a bit afraid of the long journey to come. From Kent to Yorkshire (South east to erm North, kinda, for people not aware of UK’s geography), by London. A long day. Very long, especially when you’re sick as a dog. I was ok until St Pancras station. But everything went worse after that. And I’ve never wanted that much to be in a bed. I’ve discovered muscles in my lower back that I didn’t know they existed.
We finally arrived in our hotel. It was something like 16.30. I went directly to bed and only went out of it 22 hours later, completely voiceless with a really sore throat.
At this moment, I was seriously afraid that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the show. And when we were waiting outside in the cold, I thought that I was crazy.

Hallam Arena, Sheffield, February 11th.
I’ve been lucky enough to have been offered as a very early birthday present a ticket for the front standing area of the venue. I had a rear standing ticket (that I never received, thanks to ticketmaster, royal mail and the French post services) but that was really annoying me. And I was really relieved to have a front standing ticket when I saw the barrier in the middle of the venue. I’m still trying to figure out the reasons of this barrier…

The openers, the videos, everything went on my nerves that night. Especially when Juliette jumped over me and hit me with her shoes. As if I wasn’t feeling bad enough. But finally, after what seemed to me a very long time, the lights went off. And they were there. On stage.

And then, I immediately forget how ill I am. How sore my throat is. How tired and broken I feel. No, I’m just enjoying the show, like any other nights. Well, I don’t sing as much as the previous nights. But the feeling is here. And I feel good.
The setlist is the same. And as soon as a song finishes, I’m already waiting for the next one, knowing exactly which one they’re going to play. I laugh at Justin’s jokes. And by the middle of their show, I’m finally able to drag myself on the front row. I can finally see Ed. And Dan. I find myself staring at Ed, he’s so funny to look at. And Dan. Dan is always the same. Head banging. With hair flying all around. I don’t see them, but I can feel that the Dan crazy fans (no offence here) are on the edge of a collective orgasm.
I can feel the heat of the flames during Black Shuck. And I wonder how they do to manage it, because they’re all really close from the flames. Especially Ed, who’s just under them. I also curse the security for not having water. With the heat of the pyros and my cough, I really could do with a bit of water.
I know I don’t look like I’m enjoying the show as I used to do the nights before. But in my head, I am enjoying it, it’s just that I don’t have the physical strength to jump and dance and sing along all the songs. And I’m keeping my strength for my favourite song (from their last album).
Finally it arrives. Girlfriend. I know it’s the last time in a (very) long time that I’m going to hear it live. My heart is pounding. I don’t know if it’s the fever or just a mix of very strong emotions. I dance, and jump and sing as much as I can. I love this song. And the live version is even better than the studio one.
But it’s over soon. The show is over soon. That’s my last show on this tour, and I already feel sad and nostalgic. But with plenty of excellent memories to keep me warm.
I walk out of the venue with one of Richie’s picks in my pocket. It has fallen just at my feet, after hitting the barrier just where I was. And a security man has been nice enough to give it to me.
I think it’s still in my purse, more than 2 weeks after the show!

We finally went back to our hotel where we celebrate the end of our tour together by having Champagne and Cake. We also decide to check out early and have a king’s breakfast in one of the poshiest place in Sheffield.
We all passed out in the car (except our driver, thanks god) on our way back to London. The mood at Heathrow was weird. Everything went so quickly and it was hard to believe that it was already over. A bit difficult to think that the day after, we were all going back to our “normal” lives.

I’m back here. It’s been 2 weeks. And all I can think about is “When are we going to do that again?” “Following” a band like that is more than just going to shows and enjoying their stage presence. It’s also being with your friends and having a lot of fun.
This tour cost me a lot of time and money. I could have spent my week off work tanning on a beach of Tunisia or Morocco, that even would have been cheaper… I’m not tanned, I’ve been sick like I’ve never been before, and my bank account is slightly scaring, but I don’t regret it one single second!

by Jo (Pics by Lou!)

Manchester Evening News Arena – 18th February ’06

I couldn’t get to many of the gigs, and this is the only one where I’ll get to see the flying, the chariot, both supports, and Six. So after 4 and a half hours by train, and a lovely meeting with Fee and JWN, and Cora and Dori, I’m getting excited. Then my girls arrive, and it gets worse! *Bounce*

Due to a.. mixup.. with the hotel I end up getting changed in the Hard Rock Café toilets. Interesting.. but they are playing the whole of PTL so it could be worse! I can’t believe they make me ditch my biscuits on the way in to the MEN. no food? They’re not food! We had an interesting bit of ‘my mate fancies you’. I wonder how that’s going.. I want one of those red and black striped t shirts still, but I can’t afford one.

Oooo The Ark, all the way through. I rather liked them, actually, especially the wings .. it’s a slow start, but they do get the crowd singing and bouncing eventually. Not been to MEN before, it’s huge, and scarily empty to start off with. Still, it fills up nicely while we wait for other people to arrive. If I’d known my water would come in a pint glass I’d have waited..

Juliette and the Licks are on, and during that it’s time to head off to the front. We stop and hear the rest of the set, planning to move on in the interval. My word. Yes, lots of energy, and rocking, etc, but they do take themselves awfully seriously. Lighten up. Darkness fans don’t really want ‘serious’. We want fun, and laughter, and rock with it.

Off to the front then. I make it, thanks to some polite young men, and I’m at the barrier in plenty of time. OOO who’s that with a photo pass? Our own Lou. We had a quick chat until Arrival started. You know what? I love it when TD gig virgins are just overawed from the beginning, and that’s what happens when the chariot rises. You can hear the clunk of jaws dropping, then giggling. I guess that’s what TD wanted.

It’s another barnstorming gig. Better, I think, than Brighton, which others said was one of the best. Justin’s interaction with Rich is funny, endearing, and you just know they’re mates having a ball. On the other hand, the pratting about with Dan hasn’t been there. These two gigs, they’ve barely looked at each other, and I’ve never seen that before. Justin’s throat is obviously still playing him up and he apologises. I’m sure an expert could tell, but it did sound fine.. The crowd rocks hugely, and by the amount of people that come out, it’s rough, in the middle. I don’t just stand to one side cos of the view, you know.. Jus does his introducing Rich bit, which is fantastic. The funniest bit… Jus picking up a purple thong, finding out it’s for Rich, and seeing Rich choking on his bottle of water as Jus announces that. He’s very embarrassed.

I hate it when you know the gig’s going to end soon. All this superb, one off entertainment will soon be over and fade into memory, and it’s my last one of the tour.

That flying, though.. it’s worth waiting for, and who better to entrust it to than Justin? Rich and Justin starting from opposite sides though.. now that would be good, jamming (musically) in the middle. Oh yes.

What else can I say? Separate dressing rooms, apparently. We waited to wave the bus off, as the lads were travelling back to Birmingham for the next gig. We knew they were going to drive straight out, but we had gossiping to do to keep us busy. They stood at the one window that wasn’t blacked out, looked at us waving, and.. well, nothing, really.

Then the fucking taxi took me to the fucking wrong hotel.

by Jo

It was a bloody cold night, never mind dusty… home from school, where I’d taught Art all day… ever painted with a feather? Interesting. Try it. Shower, change into a real person again, welcome Jet in, all that..

We arrived early, so we could sit in the bar for a bit. It seemed like such a much better idea than standing out there queuing. Freezing… and anyway we were in 3 mins after the doors opened. Wandered about, got a drink, spoke to all the people we’d hoped to see and hugged them all. Met Mandy and Duane from Team Darkness, who had set off with half an hour’s notice.. aww it was soooo nice to see them again… no news on that quarter for next season, but we’ll let you know as and when.

Rabbited on during Roadstar myself, (so many people I’d not seen for so long and not expected to see) but Jet assures me they were rocking hard. I’m sure she’ll add a bit..

Kept an eye out for our strawberry blonde friend.. apparently he was upstairs ‘doing things’, whatever they might be. But no.. Roadstar off, nattering done, we slipped off to the front to stand between Jus and Dan, great view.. it took us about 3 mins to get there, too. Lovely. All going our way. As is traditional, Jet asks me what the time is far too often and nearly gets a slap. Ooooo lights down.. and the sweet familiar strains of ABBA’s Arrival flooded our aural organs and started the bouncing. Breath held… all that we’ve been waiting for, for so very long, was about to unfold before our eyes. HURRY UP!!!!!

Oh thanks be to the gods of rock, they’re here.. tall Richie, in Hustler T and leather trousers. Ed.. mostly hidden, but in a black T and looking cute. Dan, looking like he hasn’t stepped off the stage in all that time, except for he’s put his jacket on over his Thin Lizzy T. Silly boy.. far too hot for that. Take it off… there. And… Justin. Dark hair. Fatter. Smiley and bouncy, back where he belongs – in the spotlight of the fans’ adoration, soaking it up and using it to fuel his wit and antics. We’re symbiotic, you know.. synergetic as well.. at times like these, the bond is superstrong. White shimmery wraparound shirt, white and gold stripy trousers with odd hairy bits! You can see them on the photos. Flames!

KNOCKERS!!!!!! What a start! Fuck, it sounds good. Jus sounds good. Vocal coach money well spent… sounds smooth and natural and effortless. Ooo look a bra! This is later revealed on forum by the owner as ‘the “Bra” was a Charnos 42 DD Bioform , colour caramel ‘ which is some going.. I hope the lady wasn’t toooo uncomfy without her means of support.. Jus put it on backwards like a prat. If he hasn’t worked out how to use one yet, it’s a sorry tale. Mind you.. his familiarity with everyday objects does seem suss…

We rock our way sinously through a mix of old and new, although by now the new is as familiar as the old, to the faithful, and singing along is just so damn easy. The crowd is eager and hyper, desperate for darkness to descend in any form or sound. And it does, song after song… glorious waves of sound. Justin acts the fool, he rocks, he solos and struts with nothing lost. Dan does his own quieter strutting, but he knows how to pose too. He’s a fantastic sight of flying hair and long limbs all by himself. Richie wanders across to the middle from time to time to let us see him. He seems so at ease for his first gig with TD.. smiling, showing his bum.. well I’m not sure he meant to, but there it was. A fine sight, Mr Edwards. Jus did introduce him to the crowd, and he got a rapturous reception. I just hope some prats don’t start heckling for Frankie, later in the tour. Richie looks right, sounds right, and FITS. The band still have balance in every way, and it’s clear that they enjoy each others’ company. Richie even got a sympathy vote when something went wrong with his bass (no idea what, you need a bass geek) during Growing on Me.. spooky, first one of the old songs! And how odd to hear black shuck in the middle of the set… dunno how that will appeal to everyone.. some fans are a bit set in their ways.. Likewise with Love on the Rocks.

Jus was on bloody good form tonight. He took the heckles, did some of his own, looked for his own and Richie’s mum to sing ‘Motherfucker’ to him during GYHOMY.. not to mention the bra incident. He was damn pleased to be there, and it showed. There was a long interlude during which we ‘discussed’ his weight gain. HE STARTED IT!!! (if you don’t want to show your beer belly, stripping after complaining about nipple chafing is not the way forward) Awww. He looks good. And he’s not as fat as they’d have you believe. Chubby, and much healthier looking. Suits his face.. he’s practised his beer belly wobbling! Who on earth taught him that, and why? (there is no truth in the rumour that he’s modelling himself on Rob Shaw.) Gleeful chants of ‘you fat bastard’ ensued, at which he tried miserably to pout in a hurt manner, and failed. One of these days, Dan is gonna get his own back for having his bum pinched, and that will be the funniest thing.. come on Dan. Do something to wind Jus up on stage. I gave Jus my camera to take photos with, but he couldn’t work out how it worked.. sigh… honestly he’s supposed to be a tech geek!

Plenty of opportunity for us to sing to them, and vote whether ‘Blind Man’ should stay in for the tour.. obviously we said yes.. It sounded just fine without any harmonies and production, emphasising its simplicity and emotion more, I thought. SLAGI really needs everything to stop and focus on the brothers’ performance to get the best out of that ballad.. spotlights, stillness and honest sentiment.

ECG and Bald give us a rocking encore, and we’re left wanting so much more but satisfied with seeing what we have. Value for money.. you bet.

A long chat with Rob and a few other people, rescue our stuff, and we seem to be leaving the building long after anyone else.. mind that flight case.. AAAGGGHHH it got colder! We waited for so long. Rich and Dan came out, signed a bit.. Rich scooted quickly. I asked Dan for a few words for his fanzine readers. Despite not being able to pronounce ‘fanzine’ he managed to say ‘Ummm.. hello…’ Words of great wisdom and depth, there. He’s off into a taxi and away.. Other people emerge. Sue, carrying a familiar bag of sweets. Rob, carrying unfinished beer and a bottle of vodka, very much the worse for wear, staggering and slurring.. hee so cute.. so drunk that he let Six kiss him, lmao. We saluted him of course, and arrant wasp toss was mentioned.

Finally. Justin. Pissed as a fart and genial, happy to sign stuff. He even managed to take a picture with my camera this time. I attached it. Perhaps that might give you an idea of his general state… His minder was having none of it and hustled him into the bus, despite what Jus might have thought about it. So cold.. we left, as we couldn’t stand it any longer, even if we did want to see Ed.. sorry Ed, but things were bad enough next morning as it was. Teaching Philosophy to 7 year olds? After that? Eeek.

The Dark Force is back with us! Prepare to be bowled over and rocked and shocked and squiggled.. Back. Bigger and better and just as sexy. Growwwwllll. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, definitely. And, while I think of it, we couldn’t figure out where your figure had gone.. we thought we could try and live without you, but we were so very wrong.

All setlists, jokes, trousers and bras subject to change.

This is what we politely jigged to:

Knockers
One Way Ticket
Is It Just Me
Growing on Me
Dinner Lady Arms
Givin’ Up
Black Shuk (setlist typo, not me!)
Love on the Rocks
Love Is Only A Feeling
Seemed Like A Good Idea
Blind Man
Hazel Eyes
Get Your Hands Off
Friday Night
Girlfriend
I Believe In A Thing Called Love
English Country Garden
Bald

Darkling Does Dubai!

by Jo

Friday 25th March 2005

(as usual, apologies for any mistakes in this – any misquotes or errors in the setlist are down to me and my over-excited brain making things up – sorry)

Friday 25th March 2005, 2pm. I’m in Dubai, at the Country Club – it sounds posh, but its basically a dustbowl in the middle of the desert. Take the motorway out of Dubai, turn left, drive into the desert and there you are.

The posh bit of the country club is in the distance. I’m queuing up outside the Rugby Ground, waiting to go in and join the Desert Rock festival, where I shall shout, scream and generally wet myself …. as The Darkness are playing!

In keeping with my vow to go to as many Darkness shows as possible, I’ve just travelled halfway around the world to see them. And I’m now standing in blistering 40°C heat surrounded by the oddest collection of people I’ve seen in ages. All of whom are pointing and laughing at the sparkly Darkness t-shirt I’m proudly wearing.

OK, so I do stand out a wee bit. The diamante on the t-shirt sparkles in the sunlight, matching the glitter in my hair and the spangly bits on my bag. I scan the people walking past, and the only other Darkness t-shirt I see is the one my dad (Malc) is wearing. OK, so maybe they aren’t big Darkness fans over here.

After collecting my ticket, I go to pick up my wristband. Due to the strict alcohol laws here, the wristbands are colour coded depending on whether you are over 21 or not. The wristband guy makes my day by asking me if I’m over 21, and Malc pisses himself laughing.

From there its on for a generous body search involving tracker dogs, radar guns and latex gloves and lots of lubricant. I’m joking ….. there were no dogs. As well as looking for weapons and alcohol, security were also confiscating any cameras they found. As I’d been warned about this beforehand, I didn’t risk taking a camera ….. and I’m glad, as my plan of hiding it in my pants would have been discovered (as the girl in front of me with a camera in her pants found out).

Which means of course, I have no pictures to share with you. Sorry about that – I’m just as devastated, as this was the first Darkness gig I’d been to without my sister and I wanted some pictures to show her.

OK, so I’m in. I go and have a look at the stage, which is sat in a dusty field. Big stage, big screens, the usual bunch of bars and food stalls, lots of people wandering about. Malc and I go and buy a book of vouchers, then use the vouchers to buy some drinks. Just beyond the main arena there is a seating area and another bar, with a big screen so we can watch the show sitting down and in easy reach of the bar. Fantastic.

This is our base for the day. Decision was made when the compere came on stage to announce the acts …. and told us that The Darkness were headlining and wouldn’t be on until 11pm. Bugger. So we stay put, drink, eat, drink, and chat with some British lads who work in Dubai and have never seen The Darkness live.

I should say something about the other acts, which I didn’t pay a huge amount of attention to as I was there for one reason only.

Juliana Down – local band, big following, noisy and incomprehensibleŸ
Nervecell – dittoŸ
Saxon – didn’t show as the lead singer’s house had burnt down the day beforeŸ
Sepultura – nothing specialŸ
Within Temptation – lead singer got on my tits so much, trying to beŸ like Amy Lee from Evanescence and not pulling it off. They shut up at 8pm and I breathed a sigh of relief – it turns out it was for prayers, as Friday is the holy day in Dubai and everything stops for official prayers at 8pm. The band came back afterwards and continued for what felt like a fortnight.
Machine Head – loud, thrashy, annoying, kept screaming “fuck you Dubai” at the crowd.Ÿ

Apologies to anyone who is a fan of any of the above bands, you probably would have loved it.

Inbetween the acts above, there was an air guitar competition, which made me laugh my arse off, as everyone who took part was obviously drunk, stoned or both. The music played during the set-up of each band was awesome – lots of classic rock such as Thin Lizzy, AC/DC, Van Halen, Guns n Roses, etc.

Halfway through the day, I almost killed Malc. He went off to the toilet, and came back with an enormous smile on his face. “guess who I’ve just seen?” he says. Me: “don’t tell me, Dan was in the toilet, he asked if Taffy was here, and gave you two backstage passes” Him: “nope, I wandered down to the stage, and Frankie was in the backstage area looking over the fence having a beer. I waved, he saw me and gave me the thumbs” Me: “aaaargh!!!!!”

I raced down to the stage and hung about outside the press tent peering over the fence, but no sign of any of our boys. Bugger.

Anyway, the day wore on with lots of alcohol, gossip and factor 30 sunscreen. All in all I counted about 20 Darkness t-shirts in the whole place. After Machine Head’s set, I dragged Malc back onto the field, so we could plant ourselves in a good spot. As there was only about 15 minutes between bands, I didn’t want to hang around.

We park ourselves about 15 feet from the stage, directly opposite Dan’s normal stage position. The stage is a hive of activity, with road crew running about setting up. The keytar is brought out and set up at the side of the stage, which puts a bigger grin on my face. I’m sure I can see Sue and Charlotte at the side of the stage, so I give them a wave which they totally don’t see, but never mind.

Thin Lizzy’s ‘The Boys are Back in Town’ strikes up, and the stage starts to clear of crew. As Thin Lizzy ends, the lights go down and the place is in darkness (get it?). Then the stage is bathed in blue light, and ‘Arrival’ starts. My legs go wobbly from excitement and I cling on to Malc – who tells me to get a grip and stop being a girl. I wave my light sticks in time to the music and try to make my legs behave. Then Arrival ends and the stage goes dark again, before the lights fire up, pulsing in time to the opening beats of Grief Hammer. As the lights flash, I can see Ed scurrying behind the drums, then Dan and Frankie appear either side of the stage. Finally Justin storms onto the stage and the crowd roars. “how’s it going there Dubai” screams Justin, as a wall of flames shoot up in front of him.

They rock through Grief, carrying the crowd with them even though 99% of them haven’t a clue what this track is. My 0.2% of the crowd rocks its considerable arse off though, and by the end of the track I’ve cleared a small patch of desert around Malc and myself, as people duck to avoid my flying limbs, bum, etc.

At the end of the track, Justin comes forward and I get my first good look at him. Mmm, looking divine, in the same costume he used for the Winter tour – brown leather trousers, lilac peacock shirt, scarf holding his hair back. Dan is looking super-fit in very tight black trousers and a black and silver Thin Lizzy t-shirt. I couldn’t see Ed as he was behind his drums, but from my inspection at the end of the show he was in the usual jeans and t-shirt. Frankie was sporting the most enormous hair I’ve seen on him for some time, along with black leather trousers and a black and purple floaty shirt.

Justin tries to get the crowd going with a bit of Arabic. About four people respond, as the crowd is largely English, American and Australian. So, we get a translation – apparently he said “hello, we are The Darkness” The crowd yell back at him, as the band launch into Giving Up – a surprising choice considering the country’s attitude to drug abuse (and a guy behind me says to his mate “they can’t sing this, its not on”). Justin does change the words slightly – “fucking shit” becomes “shucking fit” and the “fucks” are so high pitched they just sound like a scream. Justin manages to get the crowd clapping and rocking in time to the beat, so there is hope for them. Of course, I rock like a maniac.

Justin then tries a bit more crowd rousing. “Give me a D” he roars – about half the crowd react (tsk). But he’s a persistent bunny, so he carries on “give me an Arkness” – again about half the crowd knows what he’s on about.

We are then treated to a wonderful sight – Justin’s bum wiggling on the big screen as he sings “kiss my ass, kiss my ass goodbye” and they do Stuck in a Rut – again with optional swearing. We then get Dinner Lady Arms, which puzzles the blokes next to me – he yells to his mate “what’s aaaaaargh?” (arms, dear) Again, most of the crowd are bewildered with this, as its new (but I love it). During the guitar solo, Justin runs over to Dan and wiggles about behind him, making him laugh.

Its customary at this point for some clothes to be shed, but Justin says that he isn’t allowed to strip. He teases us though “you’d like me to, wouldn’t you?” So, sadly the shirt stays on and there is no glimpse of flames. Utter disappointment from the Taffy section of the crowd, but never mind.

Then – one of my favourite bits – the frankly horny guitar intro to Making Out, complete with pyro accompaniment. Dan looks fab as he rocks over to the front of the stage, shaking that gorgeous hair everywhere. This is followed by Physical Sex, again with an explosive intro and with an interesting hand gesture from Justin on “touchy feely woman” – I wouldn’t mind seeing that in close-up. Justin has to customise it though ….. it becomes “Dubai …. brrrrrring me sex!” I’m sure you can guess my answer to that one. Once again we get Dan grinding his guitar at the front of the stage before Justin leaps in with his bit. Awesome.

Justin has another go at wooing the crowd “who here has heard of our album Permission To Land? It did quite well!” An answering roar of approval from the crowd. Justin: “well, this is track three from that album ….. Growing on Me!!”

This one really gets the crowd going, and finally we see movement through the whole crowd, rather than just bits of the crowd. Although the crowd singing isn’t anywhere near as loud as at Wembley, its enough to show the lads that they aren’t alone there.

Afterwards, Justin announces that its power ballad time. He says “imagine you are walking along Jumeirah Beach (swanky beach in Dubai, went there, was fab) with your loved one. Now imagine snuggling down on the dunes with your lady and probing her gently. I don’t mean probing in a rude way (cheeky grin and wink), I mean probing her with questions, such as what do you want for dinner, or would you like to dance. Well, that warm and fuzzy feeling you get from being with your lovely lady, I want you to imagine it now”

“Right, so now you’re all in the mood, we’re going to do our power ballad – Love is only a Feeling. Let me see if you are in the mood” Obviously the crowd wasn’t, as he teased them for the lukewarm response. He wanted to see more animation in us – excited but not rabid.

And away we go into LIOAF, with the crowd swaying in unison, waving cigarette lighters, lit up mobile phones and a couple of lightsticks (me).

After LIOAF, a member of the crew brings the keytar out to centre stage (cheers from Taffy and Malc, odd looks from everyone surrounding us). Justin does his usual twatting around, playing chopsticks, then the piano intro to Bohemian Rhapsody, whilst Dan plays the guitar piece. A crowd of British lads behind me obviously thinks that they are going to do a cover and sing along very loudly, and Justin has difficulty getting them to shut up. They shut up eventually, allowing Justin to get a word in.

“We played a few gigs at Wembley last winter, were any of you there?” A huge roar “YES!!!” from Malc and myself, which Justin obviously doesn’t hear as he looks a bit disappointed. “Well, none of you will know the answer to this question then …. is this a keytar or a guiboard?”

Puzzled silence from the majority of the crowd. A roar of “keytar!!” from my bit of the crowd.

Justin then asks “Who is on holiday here? Shall we play a holiday song?” The crowd responds by singing Amarillo, led by the British boys behind (again), and Justin keytars along. He then leads the crowd in DJ Otzi’s “Hey Baby“, before switching into “Agadoo” and capering madly around the stage. His bandmates just watch and laugh, with a “yes, he is a twat” look on their faces.

Justin then starts to play Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called to say I Love You” with many deliberate wrong notes. The strongest swear word he uses is “flip!” which makes Dan laugh. “ I don’t want to cause offence, they lock you up for that here” jokes Justin.

OK, enough buggering about. The band rock everyone’s socks off with a blistering rendition of English Country Garden, without the optional twatting about in the middle we saw at Wembley.

This is followed by more crowd talk from Justin. “We were wondering if we should rename the next song, as Friday in Dubai is your holy day and equivalent to our Sunday. As the Dubai version of Friday night happens on a Wednesday, we were going to name the next song Wednesday Night. Now who wants to dance?” And off we go into Friday Night! The crowd follow Justin’s arm movements perfectly and he seems pleased.

After this, there was a brief break. The band leave the stage, and the crowd start shouting “We want Darkness! We want Darkness!” I’m not sure who started that one off *innocent eyes* The band return to the stage, with Justin in his silver sparkly Dior catsuit. He hops and skips about the stage, possibly getting the catsuit settled nicely, before picking up his guitar and thrashing out the first chords to I Believe in a Thing Called Love. The crowd definitely recognise this one, and go fucking mental! I spot a gap and move closer to the stage for a closer look.

This one really gets the crowd moving – and I almost fall over, I’m rocking so hard. He demands thumbs from the crowd, and gets them. During the guitar break, I get a close-up eyeful of Dan shaking his hair all over the place, as Justin scoots from one side of the stage to the other. He stops at my side of the stage, and does a guitar hump (think the video to Band Aid 20) practically in my face. I fall over dead but very happy. Actually, I manage to stay on my feet, dazed and more than a little damp (I was SWEATING! It was hot in that crowd! Honestly!). And a result – the crowd handclaps in time!

The song ends with a storm of cheering from the crowd. As the noise dies down, a woman at the front of the crowd yells “I want your babies!” to which Justin replies “I didn’t bring any with me, sorry!”

Nearing the end now, and we are treated to Black Shuck, with the swearing parts sung so high you wouldn’t know they were swearing, plus lots of flames as the flamethrowers work overtime. Hot and damp again.

Here comes Dan again, throwing himself into the intro to Get Your Hands Off My Woman, so I have to give him a wee scream of encouragement. Well, I promised my sister. I have to admit, Dan has a pretty nifty line in guitar humping and general pelvic thrusting too – I fully approve of THAT! More editing of the swearing parts – instead of Motherfucker we get Melonfarmer, and coconut replaces that word (which I only yell when I’m driving). However, the crowd just sing the original version, leaving Justin to sing whatever vaguely rhyming stuff he wants. At the end of the song, he tells us that it’s the only time we’ll hear the clean version of the song, as he’s staying on for a holiday in Dubai and doesn’t want to be locked up. He tries to get the crowd to sing Melonfarmer, but they just roar Motherfucker back at him. Classic.

And onto the final song of the evening, the towering Love on The Rocks. The thudding guitar makes me want to hump someone (seriously) but I restrain myself and just rock a wee bit, fully clothed. Arms wave from left to right during the chorus, and everything is great. As the climax approaches, I can see there’s no white tiger, but there is a bloody big crew member positioning himself at the edge of the stage. Justin gracefully plops down onto his shoulders, and is carried aloft along the front of the stage. And further along. All the way to the end, under the big video screen and through the security barrier. Into the crowd.

I have another *thud* moment when I realise that Justin Hawkins is directly in front of me. Ok, so he’s about eight feet in the air, but he’s within touching distance. As rabid fans reach out to touch him and his guitar, security men grab them and fling them to one side – roughly. I decide I like my arms intact, so I content myself with running alongside him. He looked down, but I don’t think he saw me as the spotlight was full on him.

Justin is carried further into the crowd, then they come back past me, so I get another eyeful. I was such a happy wench. Back on the stage, Justin apologises for being a little stiff in his movements – he explains that he visited the water park that day and went down the 300 foot (or whatever, I was to much of a wuss to try it for myself) water slide and ended up with his trunks up the crack of his arse and wrapped around his bollocks. He didn’t actually say that, just mimed it.

He ends with an attempt at a headstand, falls over onto his bum, tries again and falls over again. The bass drum didn’t get busted this time however. Eventually he settles for spinning around on his arse as the wall of flame shoots up.

And that’s it. The band come forward and take a bow, sling everything they are carrying into the audience (Justin even throws his bottle of water to someone, wrapped with his headscarf) and wave, then walk off stage. And don’t come back.

With perfect timing, “Time of my Life” plays over the speakers, and a fantastic firework display begins. We watch for a while, before making our way to the car park to find our driver. We collapse sweaty and knackered onto his wipe-clean seats and are taken back to our hotel, where I phone my sister and describe the gig in detail.

The next morning, I am soooo stiff and have almost no voice. But, I am so happy that I couldn’t care less. Thanks lads for a fantastic evening – the most fun I’ve had whilst fully clothed in absolutely ages. It was well worth the million mile round trip. Can we do it again next year please?

With love and thanks

Taffy